Matti is 2!

Sweet Matti,

Today you are two! And as I sneak in a few minutes while you sleep off the excitement of your birthday celebration, I wanted to look back on this year.

Too be honest your Papa and I are over the moon to see that we are able to celebrate this milestone with you. It has been a year of unknown, of tall people making decisions, but again we are reminded that there are pieces in motion that we cannot understand or control but a beauty that continues to break out.

You have kept your Papa, Sissy, and I on our toes this year as you moved from taking tentative steps to bursting out in runs. 

A few of your favorites: *Tommy (Thomas the Train) *Trucks up and down *Up a guys (Stars, think twinkle, twinkle.. up above the sky so high) *Papa *Mama *Sissy *Walk..Walk *Running *Music Together (Hello Everybody) 

We are oh so thankful for you. So thankful for how you teach us, the ways that you are being used to transform us.

As we step into year 2, know that you are deeply loved, that your Papa and I will seek what is best for you, that you have people who pray for you.

So, dear boy keep running, climbing, and trying new things. 

Love, Mama

Year 3!

Happy Anniversary #3. This month as been fully jam packed, so getting to the writing of this blog has not been easy! I do want to take a moment to recognize this past year, however.

Our biggest shift this year has been to move back into the world of active foster care.  We were certified by Multnomah County DHS to provide foster care to children newborn to age two. Primarily due to our wee house, we decided to focus on tiny ones. 

What an adventure it has been!

Our first call came in October. I was oh so excited to get the call about a three week old little girl who was up at OHSU. I ended up spending four days in the hospital with her and with her mom and dad. Over the course of that time, I ended up learning more about their story and found myself truly cheering for them to be able to make the new start they so desperately wanted.  Miss J came home with us for five days and then returned to her mom and dad. Wanna know the most common phrase I hear as a foster parent? "I do not know how you do it." "I could never send them back." I am never sure how to respond to this statement, but man the weekend after baby J left I wondered if I would be able to care for another little one.  I was a sad time, but we did feel very strongly that we should stay in touch with her family, so we gave them a way to contact us. A few months later, we were blessed to reconnect with her mom and dad and have been able to provide them respite about once-a-month since then. They have many obstacles as they seek to live a new life for their girl, but they are moving into that. And she is thriving! She is actually spending the night with us tonight. Every time we are blessed to love on her a bit more I am reminded that we never know all of the twists and turns a story will take.

Our second call came in November. Sweet baby M. Her entrance into the world was harrowing to say the least. We were called because DHS was having a difficult time finding family who could sit with her as she went through withdrawal from heroin. So, David, Paige, and I went up to Randall Children's Hospital for almost a week and just held this sweet little one. I was and am convinced that our stepping into baby M's life was more for us than it was for her. It turns out that her name means "Presence of God". She really was our reminder that God is present in the most gory of times. He shows up when everything seems completely broken. As hard as it was to hear her story we were truly thankful for the time we had with her. She ended up being placed with family, so our time was short but oh so precious.

And then Matt came! We received the call the Monday after Thanksgiving. Before M we were primarily welcoming newborn little ones, but I received the call that a 7 month soon to be 8 month old needed a place that day. When you hear that a precious baby is having to spend a day at DHS you can do little else but respond. After running it by David we said yes, and what a ride it has been. This guy has blessed and stretched our wee little family in tremendous ways. It has been truly amazing to see him transition from baby to little boy. He has been with our family for 8 months (as of today in fact), and it just seems natural to have his toddler self wandering along beside us (or zipping along ahead of us as the case may be). The plan continues to be for him to return to live with his mom and dad, and while we are supportive of their being able to fully parent their son, it will be a difficult day. This journey is not easy, and I often try to predict and plan for the unpredictable but I am very thankful for what he has and will bring to our family. And I choose to trust a God who knows the future that lies ahead for all of us.

Paige started 7th grade and turned 14 this year! Amazing. She had such a great year. Navigated middle school without a problem including honor roll. She has been such a help with the littles this year. I have been especially blessed by the empathy she has for the babies who are away from their parents. She often has insights into what they are experiencing far beyond mine. The years go by far too fast for me, but I am oh so delighted by the young lady I see growing up before my very eyes.

This year has stretched us, there are still many, many unanswered questions about the future but even as I write this I am once again reminded that we are not alone. We have a God who loves and guides even during those time of the unknown.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message):

So we're not giving up. How could we? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making a new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But, the things we can't see now will last forever.

I continue to be thankful for my partner and husband. Sadly, there are days when I let the annoyances of the day overshadow the many things that I have to be thankful for, but over the course of this year I have watched him step up to love over and over again. I know that this life may not look "normal", but I oh so grateful for someone who is willing to step into the weird with me.

Here's to another year!
Love,

14!

Whoo...Hoo! You are 14 beautiful girl!

This year I have watched you moved fully into adolescence. I have watched you as you learn more about who you are. As you try to find the words to capture all that you are, and I know that the words are endless. So many times I have tried to put boxes around you. "Paige will be.." "I am not sure if Paige will..." Only to have you try something new that I would not have expected. A reminder that you are your own person, a beautiful, developing young lady. 

I am so very proud you. A few weeks ago I found myself talking to a friend who I had not seen in many years. I told her about all of the areas I had watched you grow in over the years. My friend looked at me and said, "You are proud of her, aren't you?" I chuckled.. and nodded. "Yes, yes, I am."

This year has been your 7th grade year. I do not remember 7th as my favorite year, I think it has to with it being the middle of middle school. I am not a fan of middles. But I have watched you take on 7th Grade with grace. You managed to step into the busy environment of Junior High with no difficulty at all. You tried out for and received a part in the Junior / Senior High School musical. You continue to be known as "the quiet artist" to all of your teachers. 

You have also developed deeper friendships this year. Junior High can be tough on friendships, but I have watched you make a variety of friends throughout the year. They may be goofy teenagers, but you are all goofy together and that is just as it should be.

This year also brought some new members to our family. Each one a different story requiring us to respond in a different way, but I have watched you adjust to each little one with love and the natural annoyance of a sister. You have blessed these little ones with the understanding and empathy of one who has been there, even reminding me with sweet baby Jo, "mom, she wants to be with her mom" as my heart wrestled to accept her leaving our home. You have such a tender heart.

I love you my sweet girl. I pray that you will step deep into the love of a Father who will never let you down. I pray that even in those moments when you are just not sure, that you will know that you are so very loved, that you are known.

 Love you, 

Mom

Ephesians 3:20

It has been that kind of week

"Other people can do this so much better than we can!" These were the words spewed out to my husband tonight in a moment of frustration, followed by the pictures in my mind of kind, loving families who respond to difficulty with soft gentle touches, clean dishes, and laundry that is always folded.

It has been that kind of week. Sweet M and I started the week sick, he stayed sick all week, then P followed, and now David is sick. And I am preparing for a new class that I am teaching at Warner Pacific, that I just do not feel prepared for. AND despite our best efforts we cannot get M to sleep longer than a few hours at a time. I tend to tackle problems with a "let's figure this out" attitude. This has included: baby massage, baby wearing, sleeping together on the couch, making sure he has a full tummy before going to bed, more blankets, less blankets, warmer PJs, cooler PJs, water at night, something to chew on, an evaluation by an OT, lavender on his feet at night... The only thing that I have not tried is the, "just let him cry it out" method. And while I can hear the words of some dear friends, my heart cannot go there for this little one who has been through so much.

So, here we are after the end of a difficult week at the start of another sleep deprived one. I long to find the "magic" sleep pill, but I know that is not likely to pop up. In the meantime, I find consolation in the truth that I am mom. I will and do make mistakes. I do get frustrated. I do yell. Sigh. I do often compare myself to the perfect pictures of others that I have in my mind. I do love my children so much.

Tonight in my sleep deprived, anxious mind I find comfort in knowing that others do understand, and a reminder the Father holds us all in His arms. He loves and does not hold back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ea9uy6Mngk

Happy 1st Birthday!

Sweet baby boy, you are one today! I know that you will have little memory of this day, but it marks your move from baby into toddler. Four months ago your stepped into our home and into our hearts.

It has been so amazing to watch our family of three expand to embrace you into our lives. We have watched you start to crawl, then move to take your first steps, and say your first few words. It has only been a few months, but oh the adventures we have already had. Camping at the beach...Great Wolf Lodge...Gardening with Papa...Watching the crazy chickens.. You remind me to treasure each moment.

Oh, how I wish that I could get a clear picture of what the future will hold. Would love to know how it will all play out, but my sweet boy there is only One who knows. One who knit you lovingly together, one who knew you would come into our family before we even knew you, we lean into Him.

You are deeply loved, you have charmed all of our friends, and there are many who are praying for you. It is my prayer that you will know love all the way down to your toes. We are so thankful that we said "yes".

Love you,
Mama

37 Years!

“We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks. Because how else do we accept His free gift of salvation if not with thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our Yes! to His grace.”
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

Today I wanted to mark my 37th year with sign posts of Thankfulness. Sadly, in the rush of life I can miss so many beautiful things. So, over the past week, I have been thinking of 37 things that I am thankful for! Places where Grace breaks through and reminds me of beauty, even in the mundane. 

 

*David - My huband. Today, I find myself so thankful that God intertwined our lives. As we sat in church together, I am so thankful for those places where we come before the throne together. I am so thankful for the way that David calls me to a place of faith that resists fear. What a blessing to have a passionate, smart, loving man walking by my side.  Thank you honey for reminding me to be thankful, and helping me to face things that I would rather not. I love you and look forward to many more birthdays together!

*Paige - I love this girl!  Seriously, I do wonder at times what life would be like if Paige had not come to my home that dark and stormy night.  I really do not know. Through this girl my life has taken turns that I could not have expected. I love being mom... I love watching her grow right before my eyes.  I look forward to this 13th year with great hope and wonder.

*My Mom and Dad - My parents have been amazing! My dad has come over to our place multiple times to help David with projects around the house. We would not have accomplished as much as we did without him! My parents drove out to Portland for Paige's birthday, and even though large crowds are not their preferred environment, they were a part of the candle ceremony for Paige's party. What a blessing! I love you both, and am so thankful for you!

 *Auntie Donna and Uncle Ryan - My brother and sister have taken seriously their role of Aunt and Uncle. I am so thankful for the ways that you show Paige that she is family. 

*Church Ladies - For many years there have been a group of women who I have been blessed to live life with. Over the past year or so we have been trying to get together at least once-a-month. Somewhere along the way, someone referred to us as the "church ladies" and the name stuck. BUT we are not your momma's church lady. :) No permed hair in this group.  I am so, so thankful for these ladies. We have cried, we have laughed, we have shared in communion, we have stood with each other during times of joy and times of fear.  This year was the year of the tattoo, after much lively discussion (did I mention that we are all first born?) we finally settled on a matching tattoo.  I love these women and am so grateful for the places where I can just be.  

*Melissa - My sweet Melissa friend. What would my weeks be like if it were not for our Friday times of prayer? You remind me of God's persistent love. You remind me to keep pressing forward. I love that I can come into your home and let you into the realness of my week. So, thankful to be walking this journey with you!

*Clark and Cathy - It has been such a blessing to David and I to be able to be open and honest with our dear friends Clark and Cathy. They are an example of us of a couple who are not afraid to be honest in the messiness of life. Not afraid to trust a God who knows and loves them deeply. They have prayed with us and encouraged us in times when we were experiencing deep doubt. They have given us a window into their own family and into those places where they trust deeply.
*Concordia - This year I got to step into the role of Professor Springer. I loved it! It is so interesting to teach freshman students the joy of Psychology, but what a blessing in my life. There were multiples times when I found myself tired as I drove to school, only to be fully energized when I stepped into the classroom. I love the insights that my students bring, yes even the insights of the young man who spoke through eye rolls and "this is so lame" comments.  Each one is a story.
*Multnomah - I was so blessed to teach a seminar at Multnomah University this year!  Many, many moons ago I was a student at Multnomah. My year there was very difficult, and yet it was in that year that I experienced God's ability to carry me through difficult times. It was in that year that I developed a sensitivity to people in pain.  It was such a blessing to go back and teach in that place. A reminder to me of all the years in between 18 and 36.  I also had the joy of having David join with me in teaching. Perhaps a book is in our future?
*Western - This is one that I rarely take the time to be thankful for. Unfortunately, I all too often spend my time complaining. My "paying job" is not the one that I like to tell people about. Not a lot of glamour, but you know it does help us pay the bills and perhaps as important I am able to be flexible which is a rare thing in the working world. So, even though it is not always easy, this is one of the sign posts that I am thankful for.
*The office - Ahh.. the joys of the office have been well documented in this blog, but it is really something that I am thankful for. My husband has been so intentional with every aspect of the space. From his desire to make sure that there is plenty of sunlight (I do not do well in Oregon's dark, dreary winters) to his perseverance in the whole project. Everytime I step into our office, I am reminded that I have a husband who is a) skilled b) loves me. 
*The garden -Is there anything better than eating corn on the cob out of the garden? Oh, maybe eating potatoes, asparagus, sugar snap peas, beans, squash... So, many delightful things! Another husband amazingness... he has spent many hours making this garden so beautiful and yummy!
 
*Chickens - I just went through and added labels to my blog, and could not help but laugh at all of the chicken posts! I do love my chickens. I do not know that it is accurate to say that chickens have personality, but man they sure seem too.  They are just goofy, and great backyard therapy!
*Imago Dei - I am so thankful for our church.  Imago has been so key in our family. It is a place where we are reminded of God's beauty and of the amazing ways that He works in the lives of people. Paige loves the Junior High and we cannot imagine parenting her through these awkward years without the amazing support of this group.  Where else can you encounter God and get a plate of syrup poured over you in the same weekend?  Thank you Imago for your faithfulness to a God who meets people in the messy parts of life!
*Welcome Home - Last year, a group of us started dreaming about starting a ministry that could support families who have been touched by foster care.  This year, we applied for a grant from Imago Dei and were blessed by their generous support of our initiative. It has been amazing! We have been blessed to be able to offer a class for people who are interested in knowing more about foster care, adoption,and attachment. We have been able to provide local DHS offices with Welcome Boxes that they can give to children when they come into care. We are working on developing a respite network for families who need that resource. Foster care is not easy, but man what a vivid place to see God at work. People who enter into this system will be confronted by brokenness and they will be amazed by the way that God heals, the way that He brings beauty out of ashes. I am so blessed to be a part of this, and look forward to seeing what is ahead for us.
 http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/article/welcome-home-foster-care/
*Jillana and Bethany - I am thrilled to have these ladies as part of the core leadership team of Welcome Home. They both demonstrate hope filled love! I have cried with them as they faced the pain of watching little ones leave their home. I have rejoiced with them as we have watched little ones be welcomed home. They are strong and generous, and walk what they preach! Very thankful for you both.
*Lisa - In addition to being a part of the Rite of Passage ladies, Lisa has been an amazing friend. We have much in common, I love, love the way the honest way that she approaches life.
*Pinochle - Last winter, David and I started playing pinochle with our friends Rob and Victoria. At first, I was totally lost in this game that requires one to remember the cards that have gone before, but as is true in most things if you keep trying it will begin to make sense and while I am still so far behind in coming up with a pinochle strategy, the game has gotten more and more fun. And I love the monthly rhythm of connection, complete with food, wine, and much laughter.
*Rite of Passage Ladies - These ladies are amazing. It was such a blessing to have them join us over the past year as Paige moved from 12 to 13.  Lisa, Joan, Erica, and Donna consistently showed up over the course of the year, and were such beautiful reminders to us of how God works in different ways, uses different strength, and loves deeply.  Thank you all for being examples of Christ to my girl and to me. Love you!
 
*Disneyland!- We made our way to Disneyland this year! It was truly a great family vacation. I already mentioned it in the Anniversary blog, but could not help but add it to my 37 places of Thankfulness.
 
*Camping - Preparing for camping can be quite the task, but man once I am there I just love it. I love being away from "normal" life. I love being forced to be off-line. I enjoy sitting by the fire and listening to the sounds around me.  I even love making my way to the bathroom at 4:00 in the morning. We were able to go camping in March (yes, March that would be winter) with some friends and then David and I were able to go camping in Eastern Oregon just last week.
 
*Reading - There is something so wonderful about getting into a great book. Whether it be a non-fiction book that challenges the way that I think, or a story that speaks to my heart, or a story that allows me not to think at all. This is really one of my simplest pleasures. Some books that I read this year: Why Zebras do not get Ulcers, Created for Love, Anatomy of an Epidemic, Three Small Words, Water for Elephants, Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Girl who fell from the Sky...
*Sylvia Beach Hotel - Oh man, I love this place. My dear friend Diana and I have been traveling down to Sylvia's for nine years now! It truly does feel like a home coming each time. It is so nice to go with someone that I know so well. Each year is truly a precious gift!
*Cannery Pier Hotel - I love the Cannery Pier Hotel. We went there on our honeymoon, and were amazingly able to go again for New Years this year. It is so wonderful to be surrounded by water in this beautiful place. Such a treasure.

*Portland Christian Elementary - This school has been such a blessing to our family! Paige struggled in school for many years before we came to PCS (she also loves that she has the same initials), but man what a great match this has been! I had my concerns before she started, but I have seen her bloom in ways that I would not have expected. It is so true that when a child is supported and known beautiful things happen. 
*Templeton - Ahh... Templeton. He may be a bit of a crazy dog, but he is always there to greet me when I come home!
*Walking in the morning - I am not a morning person. I used to think that would change as I got older, but I do not think that it will.. but lately David and I have been getting up and walking and praying together in the morning. It is often not easy for me to peel myself out of bed, but I love these moments of connection! 
*Wine by the fire - One of my favorite ways to spend an evening!
*Josie - Josie was in our wedding, but not in a way that most remember. She was born exactly two months later, and has been such a blessing to me. We have had the joy of having Jo in our home many times over the past two years. I love seeing life through her eyes.

*Kiley and Addison - These girls have been such great friends to Paige. Goofy for sure, and that is why we like them! Thankful for you both.
*Erica - My dear Erica friend. We have been through so many different seasons together! Walked through places of deep doubt and watched each other experience profound transformation. Thank you for being a friend who is not afraid to say things as they are! 
*Lazy Sundays - This year my birthday fell on a Sunday, and my family is blessing me by letting me spend this day in my favorite way.  Doing a lot of nothing! My favorite Sunday is one that starts with worship at Imago, followed by breakfast (this morning my husband made ebleskivers!), followed by the Sunday morning paper, OPB, and maybe a nap!
 
*Child Trauma Academy - I have been so blessed by the work and research of Dr. Bruce Perry. This year I had the opportunity to teach two classes at Imago about caring for the needs of children who have experienced trauma. I also taught a seminar at Multnomah and Concordia. So much of that class has been informed by the work of Bruce Perry. I am thankful for the voice that he provides in a mental health system that all to often focuses on the behaviors rather than the root.
*Soren - This year we needed to find a new car. Sally was clearly on her last leg (wheel).  We needed one that would meet the needs of our family, especially with room for the dog on road trips. We were blessed to find Soren last December. We have already added many miles to the odometer!

*Surprise visits from family - Our family is strewn all over the United States from Florida to Tucson to Idaho to Texas (and many places in between). It is not often that we get to see family beyond the posts of Facebook. Last year we had the joy of seeing my cousin Allen and his family, my Aunt Claudia and her husband, and then yesterday we were surprised by a visit from my cousin Omer! It was wonderful to catch up after so many years.

*Justice Conference -This year David and I had the chance to attend the Justice Conference here in Portland. It was so inspiring to be in a room with the likes of John Perkins, The Innocence Project, and Francis Chan.

*One more Year! -Whoo..hooo.. As David reminds me, no matter how hard the day may get, there is always tomorrow. And even though there is so much I still want to do, this a new year. I know that there will be places of doubt, and as each of these sign posts have reminded me of there will be amazing places of grace and faithfulness. I have some amazing friendships and family that has been there through all seasons. I look forward to the next step in the journey!
  
My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Ephesians 3:14-21 MSG